Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Who Am I?
I have spent most of my life trying to find out who I am. I think I spent so much time trying to be something that I thought others wanted me to be and too scared to fail that I missed a lot of genuine queues as too who I was authentically.
All through primary school I was bullied A LOT and I was constantly trying to redefine myself and hope that people liked the 'new me' but it never worked. I was very very quiet at school for fear of someone finding something to mock me about. Then at home I had a very loving family and I was able to open up and be extremely loud and sociable. I associated myself as a singer and clung onto that little element of myself but I could never really pinpoint who I wanted to be.
I studied at university and I saw myself as an academic who would enter into the professional world of public relations and advertising, dressed in a power suit and proving all of those people wrong who thought I was not 'cool.' I went overseas to America to do a uni exchange and teach rock climbing at a summer camp and came home to complete my degree.
Once I finished my degree, I did work experience and decided that my chosen field was stressful and incredibly boring. It was at this time that I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Did this define me? I didn't want it to so I decided to study personal training on a whim and once again after working at a gym for a year, I decided that it was not for me. Over the years I had flipped from introvert to extrovert several times.
It was then that I moved to Sydney. I fell in love which was the biggest roller coaster, 8 months later I became a wife and a step-mother in the same day and 7 months later I became pregnant with Noah. So I knew I was a wife, mother, step-mother, sister and daughter but I wanted to be defined but something more. What kind of person did I want to be known as? What were my hobbies (apart from eating tim tams on the couch?)
In my 25th year of living this is what I know:
- I love my husband and children fiercely and would do anything for them
- A great mother is not a perfect mother
- Music has a great power on my heart and is a constant companion
- I am terrible at housework and I am constantly forcing myself to do it but that is OKAY
- I have found some amazing friends who I can be real with
- I still get nervous hoping that new people I meet will like me
- I love redoing furniture and redecorating the house
- I have found that I can take good photographs and that I have potential to take amazing photos
- I have spent too much of my life being scared of failure that it has crippled me. I will fight this fear!
- I WILL NOT define who I am according to what I'm not or my weaknesses
- I WILL define myself by what I can do and my strengths
Below is the mantra that I want to use as a compass in my life and hopefully as I reach the end of my life I can say that I did this.